CW: How to Procrastinate Like A Pro

The assignment: Read the short story "How to Date A Black Girl, White Girl, or a Halfie" and write your own "How to" about something that you shouldn't know how to do but you actually do well. **Unedited because I can't stand editing right after I've spent three hours writing something.

The world is full of people who are all too eager to make snap judgments about your character based on scant supporting evidence. To keep these people from finding you lazy based on an apparent lack of scholastic enthusiasm, it is essential that you waste the time that you should be devoting to school-work on something more admirable than internet-surfing and channel-changing.

The absolute last thing that you want to do when you are supposed to be working on an assignment is turn on the television. To most people, the T.V. route seems the most logical, but sometimes popular opinion defies logic (consider the number of people who actually admit to finding Orlando Bloom attractive). If you choose to watch television when you should be working, you leave yourself open to well-founded criticism from self-important roommates, parents, and friends who will laugh contemptuously as you struggle to write a 10-page paper at 3:00 A.M. The best way to avoid sneers is by taking other, more productive avenues to avoid assignments.

The first mile on the road to procrastination super-stardom is the nap. A nap is a necessary pre-work warm up - it is impossible to think clearly if it's been more than five hours since you last slept and a nap will leave you refreshed and ready to trudge through the wee hours of the morning if your procrastination binge gets out of control. It should be noted that Step Nap is tricky business for a procrastination novice - if you don't sleep long enough you risk feeling groggy when you get up, and if you sleep too long you are likely to be considered just as lazy as a television-watcher, so it is often smart to find a comfortable "nappy" medium (as it were) before applying it to your procrastination schedule.

It is widely known that it is impossible to get work done in a messy environment, so it follows that you should always clean up your work space before taking on a project. This next step logically succeeds Step Nap because you will be more likely to remember where you put your belongings if you are completely lucid while doing so. It is fair to consider that each person may define his or her own "work space" differently and one procrastinator may not be as messy as the next, thus Step Clean may take longer for some than for others. For optimal results, you should, under no circumstances, restrict the scope of the term "work space" to simply mean "desk" as a desk can, theoretically, be tidied up in less time than it takes to locate the remote control. If you are a relatively organized person (or if your assignment is particularly objectionable), you might choose to define your "work space" as not only your room, but also the kitchen and perhaps even the living room. It can always be argued that you find it impossible to get anything done if you can't hear the soothing hum of the dishwasher. It is difficult to set limitations on Step Clean because its characteristics are so subjective, so it is up to you to decide how much work you want to create for yourself and embark on Step Clean accordingly.

Once you have finished Step Nap and Step Clean you will inevitably have to begin working on your assignment, but there is one final step that you can use while you work to ease some of the tedium, and that is Step Food. It is imperative that you do not eat a meal before you begin working on your assignment because if you go to work on a full stomach you will not be able to cite "hunger pains" as and excuse to leave your work space. Not only is eating en vogue (and thus impossible to ridicule) it is also the perfect reward for actually completing some of your assignment. Consider this: you have three more verbs to conjugate before you can turn to the next page of your Spanish homework and your stomach begins to growl. You could respond immediately or you could conjugate calmly and then celebrate your higher education-dedication with a bag of popcorn. The reward-approach is just a suggestion; it is acceptable to partake of mini-meals whenever you deem them to be necessary.

It is important to understand the tools and limitations of the art of procrastination so that when you are jeered for your laziness (and you inevitably will be) you will be well-equipped to refute the accusation.