Twister

How the two Dallas dwellers I know responded to the news that a tornado was roaming around in their backyard a couple of weeks ago.

Sarah: Hey! Watch out! A tornado is on its way to your apartment!
Sean: I know! I’ve got my camera and I’m gonna go outside to see how close I can get!

Sarah: Don’t mean to scare you, but did you hear the sirens? There’s a tornado in Dallas!
Erin: *no answer, hiding in bathtub*

Sarcasm from last night

(817) Sister: I bow to your No Doz! I once was tired but now am focused! Next stop: speed.
(817) Brother: Why not meth?
(817) Sister: Ew, no! I'm not smoking Drano! I have standards!*

*Which include but are not limited to refusing all drugs stronger than caffeine. And Chardonnay. (Lest there be any confusion.)

Ring ring!

Sean: I'm taking a half-day on Friday, so why don't we meet up for lunch in Town Square and then maybe shop around for a little while.
Sarah: Ok, that sounds good.
Sean: We could even look at engagement rings while we're there.
Sarah: Ooooh yeah!? Ok! Wait, are you suuuuuure you want to look at engagement rings? Isn't a proposal supposed to be a dream forever unrealized or something?
Sean: ...yeah, well SOMEBODY won't get off my back about proposing, so I figure this might shut her up.
Sarah: So what you're saying is bugging you improves my chances of getting engaged? Good to know.

Exhibit A

Sean: We really need to drink eggnog and watch Christmas Vacation. Maybe we can do it next weekend.
Sarah: But that's my birthday.
Sean: Your birthday is NOT all weekend, it's just Saturday. I also have a white elephant gift exchange coming up at work. I think we're meeting at Macaroni Grill for dinner next week, or maybe it's lunch. I mean, lunch would probably make more sense. Anyway, I still need to go shopping for a gift.
Sarah: For my birthday?
Sean: Never mind.

Baby clean bill of health

High school freshman: Miss, what kind of music do you like?
Sarah Substitute: Well, my favorite band is Death Cab.
High school freshman: Death Cab? Is that like scream-o?

True story.

C'mon, kiddies, Death Cab (for Cutie, though I doubt that clarification would have made much of a difference) might be more obscure than, say, Lil Wayne (Who's "hot." Um, what?) and Tupac (Who's alive and living it up in Jamaica, apparently.) but I'd certainly heard of them when I was in high school. I even tried listening to them once or twice, but I ultimately failed because, I dunno, I liked Enya.

Oh well, the (generally) very sweet students at my old high school more than make up for their lost style points by actually giving a darn about the type of music that I, their lowly substitute teacher, like to listen to. They get extra credit for wondering where I went to college, what I majored in, how old I am, what I want to do with my life, as well as for remembering my name, saying "hello" and "goodbye," and dubbing me "the cool sub!" (sure, kiddies, just as long as you toe the line). But those precious, well-mannered little anomalies can't fool me--I'm still not having kids!

Laws of attraction

**A note of context before we begin--my dad and I regularly play-fight. In fact, if we didn't play-fight so often we'd probably not exchange many words. We plain ol' fight as well sometimes too because he's always wrong and I never am (and vice versa) but when we are not plain ol' fighting we play-fight. So please keep that in mind as you read. Onward!**

Dad: When's Sean going to come over to our house again?
Sarah: I dunno, I don't think he likes you much, so it might be a while.
Dad: What?
Sarah: No I'm totally kidding, Sean would kill me if he knew I'd blasphemed thusly. (Upon reading this, Sean proceeded to collapse into a rage blackout. [Also a total lie: Sean doesn't get mad. Except when he's been done wrong, like the time those two people at the blood bank dug around in his arm with a needle, or the time the screw stripped when he was trying to take a leg off his couch. Doozies, both of them.])
Dad: I like Sean. He's a really nice guy isn't he?
Sarah: Yes, he is.
Dad: So I can't figure out why he keeps hanging around with you.
Sarah: Neither can I, dad. Neither can I.

As I was leaving work today

Random Guy Standing Outside of Bookstore: WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah: Haha...I guess...
RGSOoB: Oh don't laugh, don't pretend to be modest, you know you're gorgeous! Wow!
Sarah: Haha...oh, well thanks!
RGSOoB: Don't thank me! Thank your parents, they did a great job!

After that I met Sean for lunch and applied for a job as his trophy wife.

What I get paid for

As probably very few of you know, I am employed by one of the umpteen college bookstores in town, and it is my job to make sure that the textbooks that no one wants to pay for and even fewer people want to read are on the shelves when the semester begins. People may not appreciate my job, but it freaking rocks so there. Anyway, one of my favorite things to do at work is place orders because talking to publishers in New York and Boston is almost like talking to publishers in Uzbekistan. I had a very wonderful experience with a publisher in San Francisco today, but it really works better as a dialogue, so bear with me.

Jeri: Order department, this is Jeri.
Sarah: Yes, hi, Jeri, I'd like to place a textbook order please.
Jeri: I'll need you to fax the order to me.

So I fill out a coversheet on which I ask Jeri to please verify the price information (publishers are notoriously bad about this), I fax the order, and I get back to other bookstore business. And then about an hour later the loudspeaker blares that there's a call for me, so I hurry to the phone and it's Jeri.

Jeri: Hi, Sarah, I didn't realize that you wanted me to expedite this order. I'll need a credit card number.
Sarah: Ok sure, no problem. Oh, could you tell me the price of the book and if the store gets a discount?
Jeri: Well, since you're only ordering one book you technically shouldn't get a discount, but you sound sweet so I'll give you 20%.
Sarah: Oh wow, great! Thanks! Can you tell me the total and the confirmation number?
Jeri: Well, I'll have to email you the total once the order processes, but if you'll wait just a few minutes I can give you a confirmation number.
Sarah: I don't mind waiting.
Jeri: Ok. Well, since it's going to be a while we might as well chit-chat. How's the weather in Texas?
Sarah: Oh, it's nice. A little chilly, but sunny and nice.
Jeri: You know, I've been to your school before. People are VERY friendly there. Like, "Howdy y'all!" and "Yes ma'am."
Sarah: People aren't like that in San Francisco?
Jeri: OH NO! But I'm from New Orleans so I like friendly people.
Sarah: Oh really? I'm actually going to New Orleans over Spring Break.

And BOY did that get Jeri going. For the next 15 minutes Jeri told me where to eat, what to see, and how not to get mugged in New Orleans. At the end of the conversation she said, "Now Sarah, if you have any more questions about New Orleans you just call me!" As soon as I hung up the managers were all "Sarah? Spring break? New Orleans? WTF?" It was a super laugh. And then one hour later an email popped into the bookstore's inbox that read, "Hi Sarah! It was great talking to you about the greatest city in the world except for maybe Bangkok. Here's the information about your order. Take care! Jeri." You too, Jeri.